So this challenge is about a topic close to my heart and I chose what depression to me feels like and how its never the end..as much as it always looks like it is!
Depression is a huge deal..and I wouldn’t say I was a victim but I’d say for me it felt like I actually was one..and reason why I could be doubting is that I feel fine like there never were bad days.
I’m thinking of how I’m gonna explain how I felt then and what I’d say about being depressed and somehow its really hard to just put it all out for reasons I can hardly tell. Since this is one topic I really hold close..I’m doing it regardless..so keep up with me and let me know what you think in the comments section..was I really depressed ?
So growing up I faced quite a lot ..from family feuds to losing people that I really held close to my heart.. I even once saw one of my extended favorite family member trying to commit suicide by taking poison and I remember crying really loud because being young..you couldn’t figure out a way to help the situation..so crying kinda did come through because it creates attention and people come to help..so I’d say thats how she survived..she’s strong and I love her for being such a strong person later on after few counsels.
I shared that incident because I’m gonna need you to get why making some decisions seemed easier for me. So I got to boarding school in class 7 at an age I ain’t gonna tell😂..and the very first day..I was called a thief! Hold up..I didnt steal anything..I mistakedly got into a different class and opened someone’s locker thinking it was mine..I honestly thought it was. So a better part of that term..I was scared..alone and being away from home,homesickness became a part of me.
Life wasn’t easy..and it never became easier but we move..right? Then I get to highschool and I tell myself that if this is where I need to find myself..where I need to know who I really am then I gotta be careful. I never got myself any close friend because I thought all they do is make me fit in and thats has never been my cup of tea.. I didn’t want anyone to make me do things because I hadn’t even known me yet..making that decision was one great thing I did if you ask me. Its totally okay to have close ,best friends but again..totally optional not to..so be you
Like I’d said..I came to highschool hoping to find myself..and no one said it was going to be easy. I had bad normal days and really smooth days..and sometime in the middle..I couldn’t do it..I got lost and people started talking..ooh society!! Honestly..I hate people who talk but..they still do so （＾_＾）..I lost friends which wasn’t a big deal because I never made them really close friends..and I became a loner..I wouldn’t say thats where depression kicked in because some would say it was my fault.. I mean..why didn’t I have friends?..I’ll tell you what happened and why I lost my way.
So I auditioned for a club and I was an inch to getting in but didn’t..I’d given it my all and everyone told me that I’d nailed it and I was gonna get in..but well.. You never have to count your chics before they are hatched because I never got the chance to join .I got devastated..it was hard to accept because of lots of reasons and that was when I realized..you just can’t trust anyone..not even your friends! And that clearly..real is rare and so when you find it..keep it!! That feeling that I had inside was killing ..I couldn’t even think straight..I thought it was all over. I couldn’t bare the pain..it was too much.
That day,was on a Sunday..I walked back to my room twice as slow wasting all the time I had ( I always never had time to drag my feet .ever..because I needed that time to go through my past papers or look for my weak areas in different subjects..yes..I was that focused 🤧😂) I had no strength left and probably you could be wondering how that club was a big deal..no it wasn’t..I just never knew that someone could work soo hard and still not get it..I didn’t know that sometimes its all about hope and not the effort because not everyone sees your effort..not everyone cares about how much energy you put into something ..people are hurt less and sad thing is..for them..they don’t give a damn and that we gotta learn to deal with it. I didn’t know that I had to learn that life gives us lemons even to the undeserving and that when that happenss..we need to make lemonade..honestly..how was I gonna make one..I didn’t know how.
When I got to my room..I had like 7 roommates and none was in then…but that didn’t matter because I couldn’t open up to any of them..so i started thinking..what am I going to do? I need to be fine!! And each time I thought ..I remembered how much I’d given to get to the club and the more I did the more I felt it inside until I decided that I was gonna end it all..I decided that I’m gonna die..sounds crazy now.I took my razor blades( which was illegal to even have one) and went upstairs ..somewhere private and decided to cut myself on that place on one’s hands that makes you bleed to death😂( biology pun intended**if there’s something like that) well to cut it short..I’m not dead and that’s why I’m sharing this now..and the pain didn’t really end..and so I decided to keep it in and act strong but I ended up hating people and never trusted anyone since..so it was always me against the world..
I’d say thats how I lost my way but it entirely wasn’t because I just took a different path and decided that its gonna be my new way..it came with lots of benefits and it was kinda fun. But it was exhausting..I got tired and I realized I was straining. So well..slowly..I started coming back but I never forgot what ever happened and it made me close up to everyone..the few friends that stuck around only got to know what I allowed. So I came back to the old path but with new restrictions and well..highschool was over and I knew what I wanted..I knew who I was and how I’d run away from things that would harm me..now that’s where I didn’t get a 100% score because..there are things we never run away from..somethings we need to deal with .. Or better some lemons come and we make lemonades not throw them away. So thats why later after highschool I still got experiences that tore me apart and this time since I hadn’t taken the right action earlier..everything came falling on my face like it was all new..and it fucked me up !
This is the how it tore me apart…(to avoid lots of narrations of what really happened.)
I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I used to take a mirror and look at myself to find that thing that was so wrong with me that couldn’t let me be happy..I felt like my world wasn’t mine..my crown was in pieces and I had no one to talk to..at least not anyone who could understand what I was feeling..inside me I felt lifeless and valueless ..I felt it like deep down i was dying or might die in my sleep and I wasn’t even scared because I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere..no one knew what was going on because I had to make sure no one does..it was my fault anyway..I told myself that . The sad thing is I got injured by people who knew that I was fragile and that I couldn’t sustain it..I got injured by people who knew that I had risked letting them into my personal space…they knew how much time I’d taken to trust them and how much that meant to me..and looking back on how I had been through the highschool experience..I didn’t get why I took that risk yet I clearly knew that people can be hurt less and they don’t give a damn and it’s always..you go deal with it!! I knew who I was..I knew what I wanted until I let them into my world to decide ..to make me see what wasn’t mine and I liked it..I liked them around..I liked talking about my issues with them ..every bit of it..I shared everything to them like they lived inside of me or were a part of my life and I thought that they were alleged to know.
I didn’t know how I was gonna handle..betrayal,hurt less behavior,how stupid they made me look,how I didn’t mind about my self respect..all that made me think so much..what was even left of me?.. I couldn’t take it but I needed to face people the next day and still be the hyped up girl. So during the day, I got busy..and when it was all over..I got back to drowning in my own thoughts..wishing they’d come back and say they are sorry..but again..each time I wished..I felt double the pain because I needed actions and not words..and it never happened or maybe I never saw any..coming back home.I made mistakes ..I ended up hurting people..I got rid of the good ones that came around and I got saved from attempts of wanting to die..but the irony is..when it got all harddd..I didn’t wanna die..I wanted to feel a different pain..I wanted to be sick physically because we never decide when to die..took me long enough to figure that out.
The struggle got on and off for almost an year and a few months. Each time it got harder and I’m here now telling you ,you’re gonna be fine. All that is will end some day or become less painful..the kinda pain that you can endure and I thank God so much that it never took who I am from me..that it never turned me into a monster and that I got over it and forgave every person.
Ps: opting to commit suicide to end the pain was one of the effects of what I saw happening when I was growing up. I thought if thats how it ends..then I can do that too..so try as much as possible to let your kids not see certain things.
Since this is becoming longer than I expected..I’ll say how I went about it till I got over it in one of the challenges post of’ what I’m most grateful for’ so stay tuned. Above everything else you matter and you deserve to be happy so God will make sure that through it all..you be the best version of you and get to find what makes you happy.
Lots of love,
Shantel
SHAN TELLS 